You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
