you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
