He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
