so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
