Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
