I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
All the doctor said was why
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
