Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
