She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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