I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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