So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I need a burrito and a hug.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
