why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
