You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Holy sore nipples Batman
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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