Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
