This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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