im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
