I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
