you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
