Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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