Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
