making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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