I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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