She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
as a side note pls kill me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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