help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
she smelled like a LAN party
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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