i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
