yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Randomize
