Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
