Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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