im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
