I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
