Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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