I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
