What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
