he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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