when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
