No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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