Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
