it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
