There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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