Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
