I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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