if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
