i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
