my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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