There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
smell my finger.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
