My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
