if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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