you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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