So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
