A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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