Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
