Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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