New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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