wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I smell like Dick and happiness
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
